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Thursday, April 16, 2015

Sometimes you just have to do it your way....

Thanks for all of your kind words and prayers after my last two posts.

I have to admit I've been dreading Rebecca's anniversaries for about two months now.  I'm not sure why but I guess I felt like I should do something to commemorate them but I knew I didn't want to celebrate them, if that makes sense. 

I know some people like to do that sort of thing but butterfly releases, balloon releases, 5ks established and run in memory of, etc. just didn't feel right to me.  Perhaps if she had been here longer something like that may have felt more appropriate.

On her birthday, we visited her grave and took flowers.  Sarah was away on a Girl Scout beach trip so she didn't join us.  She was upset about this at first but when she remembered that Rebecca's birthday was also her BFF, Cheyanne's bithday, it made the decision to go easier.  And I don't think she regrets it and I certainly don't regret encouraging her to go. 

And yesterday after dinner, we went back to her grave.  It was a cold and rainy evening which Sarah said was very appropriate for the occasion. 

On our way home, Dan said, "Was that a car off the road back there?  Should I turn around?"

I hadn't seen anything but told him he needed to turn around just to make sure. 

So we did and sure enough, there was a car that had gone off the road and up an embankment and into the woods.

Dan pulled over and got out.  He went up the hill and opened the car door.  This lady had apparently had the presence of mind to call 911 already but I think shock was starting to set in.  Dan said she kept asking him to call her brother but couldn't remember his number.  I could hear her moaning about the pain in her leg.  Dan said she was laying in the passenger side of the car and that her leg was twisted at a very unnatural looking angle.

A few minutes later two fire trucks got there.  In a matter of seconds they had put up a giant spot light, gotten out saws to start cutting the trees down (this woman must have been going fast because she plowed up and over several trees), and were bringing out back boards.  And then the ambulance arrived. We stood in the midst of the chaos and decided we weren't adding any value so we left.

When we got home, Peter ran next door to tell my parents about our adventure.  My dad has a police scanner and always listens to the calls that come through. He heard the call on the scanner and said that at one point the call mentioned a 4 year old who was trapped in the car.

Dan was surprised to hear this because he said the woman never mentioned a child and  the car was empty as far as he could tell.

Anyway, it made for an exciting end to our day.

I think that writing about the day she died was very freeing for me.  I have wanted to write about it for a while now but I just kept putting it off knowing that I would never be able to properly or accurately describe what it was like.  However, I also felt in some odd way that I was doing Rebecca a disservice by not writing about it. 

After I got all those words out, I felt such a huge relief. 

And so in my own way, I celebrated her birthday and the anniversary of her death - not with a party, or butterflies or a memorial 5k - but with words.  And it felt right. 

I think Rebecca would be pleased.


Madeline said...

I also think she would.pleased. For you guys to be the first responders is a great God planned coincidence. Sharing Rebecca with us is brave and wonderful even if it is hard. That beautiful little girl is so lucky to have a family acknowledging her personhood. I totally understand what you mean by commemorating without celebrating.

Billie Jo said...

Your way is perfect.
Simple as that. : )

Amelia Bentrup said...

Yes...your way is perfect.

And I'm sure Rebecca was also pleased that you helped someone who needed help.

Thank you for sharing your story with us.

Mari said...

I think you commemorated her birth and death in just the right way.

Pam said...

You are just need to do what feels right for you and your family. We have known ppl IRL and in the blog world who have done big stuff in memory of their child etc, but it never felt right to me either. I chose to focus on living the life I had been given, instead of working so hard 'for' the one who was lost. And life has been full of twists and turns without adding any more pressure to perform. lol I'm glad you were able to tell her story and 'get it all out'. There are stories I still haven't told. It's hard to put it all down. But the stories I have told have helped me, the same way writing has helped you. Starting a blog really helped me write things that I wouldn't just sit down at a coffee shop and tell someone. Thank you for sharing your Rebecca with us.

Kelli said...

Yes your way is perfect....
You and your family have been on my mind lately... Praying for you..

deborah said...

I'm so glad there are ways to commemorate and remember that mean something to us.

I'm so glad for every minute you got to have with Rebecca.

Prayers and hugs for you, because hurts in life just hurt and ache no matter how thankful we are for memories.