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Friday, April 20, 2007

Whatever will be, will be...

I spent part of this afternoon cleaning out the kid's closets. I do this at the change of every season. I fold up all of the past season's clothes, put them in Rubbermaid boxes, label the outside of the box and store them in the basement. I have a total of 37 boxes. The whole process depressed me today. It never has in the past. It normally excites me. I get a thrill from cleaning, organizing, straightening. But today it made me sad. I guess it's because the whole reason I saved the clothes was because I might need them one day for another baby.

I started saving Peter's clothes knowing that we definitely would have another baby. I started saving Sarah's clothes because I thought we most likely would have a third baby and I would be set - it could be a girl or boy and I would be ready! But now, I have a strong feeling that I am not pregnant. I will know for sure in a week or so. Even if I am pregnant though I have a bed feeling. I have had to start taking the Carbatrol again and that's the medicine that I am quite certain caused my miscarriage in November. My neurologist assured me it was safe but I have done research on the Internet and while 90% of women who take it have normal babies there are many problems with the remaining 10%.

I have been so excited because for the last month I have had to take NO pain medications of any kind. I thought that after almost 3 years, finally, my pain was gone and I could have baby number three and live happily ever after. Dan has finally been home and not travelling so conception seemed highly likely. However, less than a week after we were purposefully "trying" I started to have pain again and needed the pain medication. I lay in bed at night while I am having one of my spells and I know that if I am not pregnant this month I definitely have to go back on the Betaseron which means we are officially done trying to get pregnant again. No one recommends being on Betaseron and being pregnant. In fact, they recommend that you stop taking it for at least three months before you even start trying. In light of the fact that my pain is coming back it is probably for the best that I am most likely not pregnant. As much as I want to have another baby, I don't want my MS to spiral out of control. As with everything in my life, I am trying to give it up to God and let him lead the way.

Monday, April 16, 2007

Batter up!

Peter had his first t-ball game on Saturday! It was a hoot! I was worried that Peter would perform poorly since he only had one real practice and one “sort of “ practice at the coach’s house. Peter did quite well. Just as good, if not better, than many of the other players! I was proud. Although, I have to say that it didn’t start out so well.

Peter’s team took the field first and Peter was in right field. He basically spent most of the time twirling around or playing in the dirt. No balls came his way and if they would have I don’t think he would have done anything other than watch them roll by. He did get a hit in the first inning though and that was pretty exciting and unlike most of the other kids he actually threw his bat down and ran to first base!

During the second inning he was one of the two kids that got to play “pitcher”. He did much better at this position. He actually fielded balls and threw them to first base! I think he did better because there was actually something to do.

He got hits when he got up to bat in the 2nd and 3rd innings and even got a triple. I guess it was a triple…the coach called it that anyway. It’s really hard to tell with all the commotion that’s happening on the field when someone hits the ball. There’s lots of yelling and screaming by the parents and coaches and lots of confused looks on the faces of the kids. Then, of course, when the kids figure out what they are supposed to do there is a lot of awakward throwing and catching and it is just so cute. The kids were trying so hard that the parents on both teams were clapping for all the kids.

At the end of the game the coach awarded Peter the game ball. He really didn’t understand the significance of it until we told all the grandparents, aunts, uncles etc. Then he started to feel a little proud. He’s probably not sure what he is proud about but he’s proud!

Speaking of proud…I was so proud of him. He got out there and didn’t something that he wasn’t very sure of and did it quite well. It really didn’t even seem to bother him that he didn’t know any of the other kids very well yet. He just did his thing! That makes me happy.

Of course my happiness was a little tarnished this morning in Wal-Mart. On Sunday I took the camcorder to Mom and Dad’s and hooked it up to the TV so Mom could see her grandson in action. You could hear my voice in a couple of places laughing at Peter when he was twirling around and playing in the dirt. This morning he asked me why I was laughing. I felt horrible! What a terrible mother I am! I never want Peter to feel that I am laughing at him. I tried to explain it to him but it sounded weak and feeble. Hopefully he knows I love him and that I was laughing with him and not at him.

Not to self…must censor self when video recorder is on!