What's it all for?

Right after Rebecca died, I spent some time trying to figure out why.  I wanted our suffering and her suffering to mean something.  I wanted to know what it was all for.  I spent some time thinking about it and praying about it and nothing seemed like a good enough reason so I was just left to trust God, to trust that he would use it for good.

I wrote about it briefly here but I have continued to ponder it. 

As we approach the anniversary of Rebecca's birth and death, my feelings of trusting the grander purpose are decreasing and my feelings of just wanting to know why are increasing.

I want it spelled out to me clearly.  I want it all to make sense.  If she had to die, I want a damn good reason!

This morning as I headed out for my run, I looked to the east.  The sky was covered in clouds but just at the horizon I could see beautiful colors peaking out from the darkness.

There's a beautiful sunrise under there, I thought.

I started to run and the sun started to rise.  The clouds were still there but the sun was beaming through them and  magnificent color was bursting forth. 

Vibrant oranges.  Brilliant pinks.  This sunrise was made all the more beautiful because of the clouds in the sky.

I looked to the south and caught my breath. There was a half rainbow right in front of me!  The pink and orange from the sky were reflecting beautifully in this bow.  I thanked God for the rainbow and then thought to myself, that rainbow is beautiful but wouldn't it be even better if it were full.

I headed back towards the east to the end of the cul-de-sac admiring the beautiful sunrise and thanking God for it all.  And as I rounded the cul-de-sac and headed west, I could still see the rainbow.

But this time, I could see it all.  The clouds had briefly shifted, the direction I was running had changed and I could see the whole rainbow. 

God was letting me see the whole rainbow!

And right then it hit me.  I've been struggling with the purpose of Rebecca's life and death and questioning God and stomping my feet like a bratty child and demanding answers.

Where had my trust gone?  Where was my faith?  

And then he showed me a half rainbow and it wasn't good enough so I stomped my feet and wanted more.

Why are his gifts never good enough?  Why am I always wanting more?

But because he loves me he showed me the full rainbow that had been there all along but had been covered with clouds, clouds that were making the sunrise radiant even while they were obscuring the rainbow.

And at that moment I felt great peace.  God was telling me in that rainbow that the purpose, the meaning, the reason for Rebecca and her life and our suffering are there and they will be revealed in His time.

After my run, I opened up my copy of Jesus Calling by Sarah Young and flipped to April 10th, Rebecca's birthday, and I read these words:

"Trust Me in every detail of your life. Nothing is random in My kingdom.  Everything that happens fits into a pattern for good, to those who love Me.  Instead of trying to analyze the intricacies of the pattern, focus your energy on trusting Me and thanking Me at all times.  Nothing is wasted when you walk close to Me."

As I closed the book, I could hear God telling me that it's okay.  Rebecca's life had a purpose and a meaning but it's not my job to figure out the whys and the what fors. However, it is my job to trust and believe.

I'm thankful this morning for the clouds and the rainbows and the well-timed words from an old book. But most of all, I'm thankful for a God that loves me even when I'm stomping my feet like a bratty child.  

 "And we know that God causes everything to work together for the good of those who love God and are called according to his purpose for them." -  Romans 8:28