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Tuesday, July 15, 2014

It always goes on.

Things have been pretty quiet on the blog lately.  And I could give you lots of reasons why.

Twice daily swim practices, swim meets, guitar lessons, piano lessons, dance classes.  All these things take up our time in the summer but that's not really why I haven't been writing. It's just life happening.  But that's not the main reason.

The main reason?

It's Rebecca.

I have so much I want to say about her, so many things I want to put down into words.  I want to write about her few days on this earth.  I want to write every little detail about those 5 1/2 days. But I just can't. 

I can't write about her without the tears pouring down my cheeks.  I can barely even look at a picture of her without crying.  And I don't want the kids to see me writing and crying and it doesn't matter anyway because  I don't have time to write between driving my kids to all the places they need to be.

So, I don't.  I don't write about what I really want to write about.  Instead, when I realize it's been a while since I've posted, I'll post  a silly story, pictures of the kids swimming, or a recipe.    I keep posting all of these things when I really want to be writing about my baby.

I'll get there. I'll get the words out.  Maybe when the kids are back in school. 

Meanwhile, I catch Sarah looking off into space as if in a daze.  When I see her like this, I ask what she's thinking about.  She replies "nothing" and I wonder if she's thinking about Rebecca.

She has trouble falling asleep.  She's always had trouble falling asleep at night but it seems worse now.  I wonder if she's thinking about the baby.  Or worried.  Or upset. Or sad.

And she keeps asking me for picture frames and albums.  I finally ordered her a picture album and she's going to fill it up with pictures of the baby.  And because I still haven't gotten around to getting her a frame, she made some of out construction paper to put around some pictures of her and Rebecca.

And Peter?  Sweet, angry Peter.  He's always been a bit angry.  He lets all the little things that upset him well up inside of him and then when he can't take it any longer, he lashes out - at me. 

But he's been even angrier since Rebecca passed away.  Or at least it seems that way.  He was upset yesterday because Dan's brother Bob, who is fighting stage 4 colon cancer, will most likely not be joining us at the Cape this year.

I told him that we need to keep praying for healing, and his reponse? 

"Why should we pray?  God doesn't answer our prayers."

And I tried to answer him as best I can.  But my words are empty, hollow.  They sound the way I feel.

And Dan? We had our annual vacation to Cape Cod planned but he has a business trip that was supposed to happen next week and now it's looking like it's going to get pushed out to the week of our vacation and then he's got a meeting he has to be at the next week and that leaves our whole vacation up in the air.

And he can't ask for someone else to do this work because someone else filled in for him in January when he was sitting by his mom's hospital bed watching her die and someone else filled him for him in April while he was sitting by his daughter's hospital bed watching her die so he has to be assigned to this project.  He has to do his job.

Eventually the summer will be over and I'll have time to write about Rebecca. 

And Sarah will get her pictures in frames and albums.

And Peter will figure out why we have to keep praying, keep trusting God.

And Dan will get his work done and we will go on our vacation.

Because, life?  It always goes on. And so do we.


Mari said...

Oh Beth, there are really no words to respond to this. I guess it's good that life goes on, and you have to just go along with it. But that hurt is still there. Praying!

Amelia Bentrup said...

I'm so sorry. Please know you have our thoughts and prayers.

Amanda said...

Life does seem to get in the way of our grief, doesn't it! I feel the same way. I wish life would just slow down so I could take the time to cry and process all the loss we have experienced this past year and a half. But unfortunately we have to keep moving forward, and maybe in the end that's good. Because some days, I know I wouldn't on my own. If it were up to me, I just might stay in bed. Hang in there, and write about your baby when you're ready. We will be here, waiting to hear more about your beautiful Rebecca. Hugs!

Jenny said...

lifting you up in prayer today. Thanks for sharing your heart - reminds me how grateful I need to be for the little 'sufferings' in the daily grind.

Suburban Correspondent said...

Try to write now anyway, or you will lose some of it. It doesn't have to be perfect, just do a brain dump. It helps.

Joy said...

Holding you in prayer.
Write when you can, write what you want.

Lena said...

My thoughts: It looks like you and your family need more time to process grief, anger, and address spiritual concerns and less time with scheduled activities. I've seen boys with hurt and anger grow and then act out in destructive ways. Wondering what will happen if your children do see you cry over Rebecca. If you need to cancel planned activities because of other serious matters or counseling or prayer time or conversation with a priest or to be with someone who is sick then that's what you need to do. The rest of the summer doesn't have to be devoid of fun and enjoyment, but I don't know if you can schedule grief. Once your kids go back to school, then will they have time and space to deal with death and sickness and disappointments? You and children need safe time and space to handle emotions. Not sure what that will look like for the four of you. Someone smarter than I can help sort this out. Sounds like your daughter knows what she needs to do for herself. I think Suburban Correspondent has good advice. Wishing you peace today. And if none of the above applies to you, then just ignore it. I'm just telling you what I think and see through the Internet.

Billie Jo said...

My mother has a favorite quote...One thing I know about goes on.

I know you have gotten tons of advice...but the very best thing I read after the death of my dad was the book...On Grief and Grieving. It is wonderful.

Meghan said...

Offering a prayer for you today.

Joy Beyond the Cross said...

Oh Beth, I am not sure what to say. I remember after one of my miscarriages that I begged the Lord to open a pit underneath my bedroom and just swallow me up because the pain was just to hard to bear, but then I would think about my living daughter and realize that I just had to move through the pain the best I could for her sake. I am not equating my pain with yours, because well, pain and grieving is so individual. But I remember this whole "life goes on" was one of the hardest parts about everything and it just seemed so unfair. So, in some ways…this post resonates with me and please know of my prayers for you and your family. ((Hugs))

Madeline said...

We still pray for your family often, and always at Mass. You should write. If you want to write in peace, do it after bedtime. Let the tears flow and write down every detail so you forget NOTHING. You don't even have to share what you write until you're ready but capturing the details while they're fresh is important.

Praying especially for Peter and Sarah today.

Busy Bee Suz said...

The good thing is that it DOES go -you are so right about that. I'm hoping that all the pieces fall into place for you and your family.

Kelley said...

I highly recommend "Tear Soup" by Pat Schwiebert. It explains grief in all its complexities, and is written in a manner that communicates its message effectively to children and adults.
Sending healing thoughts and prayers to you and yours.

Unknown said...

It always goes on, and thats the saddest and hardest part sometimes. Praying for you and your family. I remember how upset I got that year when Nathan ran out of time off because he had to take so many days for birth and funeral. It just felt so unfair.

Kelli said...

Thinking of you and keeping you in my prayers.

deborah said...

You've been on my heart recently and I popped in and saw the link to this post. I've thought about you a lot and all the heartache and sadness that is there even as we go about daily life.

You are prayed for. Write when you can. Even if you end up only writing for yourself in a private notebook.

Share when you can.

I'm still thankful for you, for your sweet Rebecca even though she didn't stay here nearly long enough. Jesus has her.


Kim said...

Love and prayers my friend.

Laura Pearl said...

My heart breaks for you. I can't imagine what you and your family are going through. You are all in my prayers.