Things have been pretty quiet on the blog lately. And I could give you lots of reasons why.
Twice daily swim practices, swim meets, guitar lessons, piano lessons, dance classes. All these things take up our time in the summer but that's not really why I haven't been writing. It's just life happening. But that's not the main reason.
The main reason?
I have so much I want to say about her, so many things I want to put down into words. I want to write about her few days on this earth. I want to write every little detail about those 5 1/2 days. But I just can't.
I can't write about her without the tears pouring down my cheeks. I can barely even look at a picture of her without crying. And I don't want the kids to see me writing and crying and it doesn't matter anyway because I don't have time to write between driving my kids to all the places they need to be.
So, I don't. I don't write about what I really want to write about. Instead, when I realize it's been a while since I've posted, I'll post a silly story, pictures of the kids swimming, or a recipe. I keep posting all of these things when I really want to be writing about my baby.
I'll get there. I'll get the words out. Maybe when the kids are back in school.
Meanwhile, I catch Sarah looking off into space as if in a daze. When I see her like this, I ask what she's thinking about. She replies "nothing" and I wonder if she's thinking about Rebecca.
She has trouble falling asleep. She's always had trouble falling asleep at night but it seems worse now. I wonder if she's thinking about the baby. Or worried. Or upset. Or sad.
And she keeps asking me for picture frames and albums. I finally ordered her a picture album and she's going to fill it up with pictures of the baby. And because I still haven't gotten around to getting her a frame, she made some of out construction paper to put around some pictures of her and Rebecca.
And Peter? Sweet, angry Peter. He's always been a bit angry. He lets all the little things that upset him well up inside of him and then when he can't take it any longer, he lashes out - at me.
But he's been even angrier since Rebecca passed away. Or at least it seems that way. He was upset yesterday because Dan's brother Bob, who is fighting stage 4 colon cancer, will most likely not be joining us at the Cape this year.
I told him that we need to keep praying for healing, and his reponse?
"Why should we pray? God doesn't answer our prayers."
And I tried to answer him as best I can. But my words are empty, hollow. They sound the way I feel.
And Dan? We had our annual vacation to Cape Cod planned but he has a business trip that was supposed to happen next week and now it's looking like it's going to get pushed out to the week of our vacation and then he's got a meeting he has to be at the next week and that leaves our whole vacation up in the air.
And he can't ask for someone else to do this work because someone else filled in for him in January when he was sitting by his mom's hospital bed watching her die and someone else filled him for him in April while he was sitting by his daughter's hospital bed watching her die so he has to be assigned to this project. He has to do his job.
Eventually the summer will be over and I'll have time to write about Rebecca.
And Sarah will get her pictures in frames and albums.
And Peter will figure out why we have to keep praying, keep trusting God.
And Dan will get his work done and we will go on our vacation.
Because, life? It always goes on. And so do we.