Tuesday, February 12, 2008

How Not To Lose 12 Pounds in 12 Easy Steps

1. Do not tell the Internet in January that you are trying to lose twelve pounds by May.

2. Do not go on the Atkins diet if you have an aversion to eggs and sausage.

3. Do not go off the Atkins diet after three weeks thinking you can eat like former self and keep off the 4.8 pounds you did manage to lose.

4. Do not make these.

5. Do not feel proud of self for giving away extra pretzels but then keep baggie of toffee chips and chocolate chips in pantry under the guise that you will use them the next time you make pretzels.

6. Do not eat yogurt and fiber cereal for breakfast, an orange and a can of tuna for lunch, and a small serving of pot roast and a small helping of carrots for dinner. (Well, o.k., I guess you can do this step but it will only lead to bad things...)

7. Do not remember baggie of toffee and chocolate in pantry while cleaning up dinner dishes.

8. Do not pour entire baggie of chips into mouth while trying not to let kids and husband see what you are doing because Lord knows, you do not want to share contents of baggie.

9. Do not feel like a bloated cow for eating entire baggie of chips.

10. Do not take a Midol thinking that the bloating they are referring to on the package is the same bloating that is occuring because you just ate a whole baggie of toffee and chocolate. (Note to self - Menstrual bloating and binge bloating are two entirely different things.)

11. Do not run to computer to check the price of Nutri-System.

12. Do not...and this is the most important step of all...tell the Internet in January that you are trying to lose twelve pounds by May.

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31 comments:

Chelle' said...

Beth, you are soooooooo funny. I love your post today and everyday! I can't stop laughing! A "guilt by association" kind of laugh...

Today will be better-

SuburbanCorrespondent said...

Hmmm....I'll have to keep that in mind...

And don't do NutriSystem - Weight Watchers is healthier, because you are eating normal food and you learn (in theory) better eating habits. But what do I know? I'm a Weight Watcher recidivist.

jennwa said...

I think there is something in our water. The more I try to eat less, the more I want to eat. And now this diet I am on I have done gained 6 lbs. Maybe is not the water,but those pretzel sticks you gave me or the chocolate you left at my house.

Tracy said...

Couldn't relate more...except I want to lose about twice that by May! :) I am a dietitian, and I still can relate to each one of your points! I am starving right now!

Megan (FriedOkra) said...

I think I already mentioned South Beach, didn't I?

I'm sorry - it's deflating, isn't it? (Well, it's INFLATING, actually, to hear you describe, it, hee hee.)

I am swearing off the scale for awhile as it has been making me feel bad about myself the past couple weeks. I know it's normal, but WHEW it piles on faster than I remember. No matter WHAT I eat. ARGH.

Mari said...

I'm laughing over here - not at you, but with you. I've been there! (Actually I'm still there!)

Brittany said...

south beach...south beach...south beach... seriously...it works. :)

Lee and Beth said...

I know exactly how you feel. Just when I start to lose some weight, I end up having huge cravings, eat way more than I need to, and gain it all back. It's so frustrating that I'm not able to eat the way I used to when I was younger. If I eat sweets at night, I'm up a pound or two in the morning. So annoying. Time to rededicate myself to my diet.

the dragonfly said...

I don't own a scale, but I do want to lose some of my baby weight. (I weigh about the same as I did pre-pregnancy, but it's migrated. My stomach is entirely different that it was before. Hips too. ;)

I think eating a full bag of toffee chips was a bad idea! But I bet it tasted good!!

Karen MEG said...

Oh Beth, you can do it!!! You go girl , go, go, go!!!

I should try the Atkins if it involves egg and sausage (my favourites!. I don't think it would do my cholesterol levels and arteries much good, but I'd enjoy the meal. Ironically, I have a degree in nutrition but I am the absolute WORST offender!

Don Mills Diva said...

Good to know Beth, good to know.

Not Your Regular Mini Van Mom said...

You made me laugh so hard. I thought I was the only one who ate chocolate chips from a bag when I am having a BAD craving. LOLOLOL>

Angie said...

LOL! LOL! LOL!

I hate the Atkins way. I think it is not so good for your body, but I have never tried it. I lost 20 pounds in 2006 by exercising and watching what I eat and not drinking as much alcohol on weekends.

Then we moved...

I gained 10 pounds back in a matter of 6 months, but it was so gradual, I was shocked when I hopped back on the scale in December. I am getting back on track, but it is SO HARD! I dont mind the exercising because I have time now, but the EATING is KILLING ME!

I have the mental image of stuffing the face with chips while trying not to let the kids and your hubby see. I do the same only with - get this - sugar cubes. I LOVE sugar cubes in my coffee. They taste better than regular sugar, you see. If I have a TOTAL SWEET attack, I will grab two sugar cubes and suck on them. I justify this by thinking it is about the same as grabbing a piece of hard candy. My kids beg me for sugar cubes all the time. NO WAY! I tell them. I am so afraid Grant is going to bust me some day and say those words I hate to hear "only you can, mommy?" which show my hypocritical colors bright and shiny!

I have to stop writing now. I can't think of a post today, but I sure have lengthy comments all over the place.
KEEP BELIEVING

Annikke said...

You forgot to add DO NOT EAT GIRL SCOUT COOKIES! :o) I have eaten only 2 --I mean 2 cookies, not 2 boxes! LOL

Family Adventure said...

Beth, I feel for you...in between my giggles...!

Heidi

Family O'Foxes said...

I gave you an award. You probably already have it since you are so popular!! :)

love,
~Amy

Motherwise said...

I think you develop an aversion to eggs by going on Atkins. I can identify with your non-sharing tendencies about chocolate - no one else in the family enjoys it as much as I do so it's prefectly understandable.

MamaGeek said...

Right on sister. My favorite was definitely #1. So true, so true.

Bonnie said...

I love coming visiting your blog ! You always make me laugh !!! I'll have to keep those tips in mind ....

Miss Grace said...

LOVE IT. Maybe because I'm guilty...

Christy said...

Your own 12 step program. Your constantly impressing me. What's next? I just finished off my own chocolate chip "snack size" baggie. We've got to start walking- May is getting closer & closer.

Kellan said...

How funny!1 Yes, toffee and chocolate is not they way to lose 12 lbs. by May - but it is darn satisfying! Take care - Kellan

bella mocha said...

Chocolate and pretzels...mmmmn..can I try some? They look so good- better than the way my mother-in-law likes them, which is pretzels with ice-cream.

As a newby in the USA I can see that I am going to have to be more adventurous with pretzels and forgo my favourite- plain- for something fun. Like yours!

A great post, thanks for sharing!

I have tagged you for a meme. Enjoy!

Corey~living and loving said...

Thanks for the tips. :)
So sorry I have been MIA. life is sort of kicking my hiney right now....sigh....

I'm AZ said...

These were funny!

Pam said...

Just think of the antioxidents in the chocolate!

All kidding aside, it is OK. Just get back up on the wagon tomorrow. You can do it!

My Goodness said...

You crack me up!!

Sounds just like my diet...I've only had THREE birthday cakes within the last 10 days!!

Steph said...

Thanks for visiting my blog!
I love yours, I will be back!
:)

the mother of this lot said...

If a first you don't succeed...!

Steph said...

Beth, that is a hilarious post! Of course, I can't relate to any of it...especially pouring the stuff directly in your mouth to avoid having anyone "catch" you! :)

Badness Jones said...

lol! Diets are such fun, huh?