It's been a long, hard day.

I got a pass from the hospital so I was able to spend the day with my sweet Rebecca.  The nurses went out of their way to let us all hold her.  It was very complicated due to all the wires and tubes but it was wonderful to get to hold her even if it was only for about 30 minutes.

Later, after Peter and Sarah left, we met with her entire medical team and the news was not good.
In addition to the esophageal atresia (EA) where the top part of the esophagus ends into a pouch and doesn't continue on into her stomach , they believe she also has a tracheoesophageal fistula (TEF).  This means that the other portion of her esophagus which does go to the stomach has a portion that has fused with her trachea.

They were hoping to repair the EA yesterday but after arriving at Brenner, she was struggling so much to breath they ultimately ended up putting her on a ventilator.  Because her esophagus is so tiny, they had a very hard time even getting her onto the vent.  Apparently it took several skilled doctors attempting to vent her before they were successful.  Dan said at one point there were over 10 people around her trying to keep her alive and get her on the vent.

It is the medical team's opinion, based on the trouble she had yesterday, that she would not survive the surgery.  And now that there is a TEF involved as well, they are worried that they would get in there and there wouldn't even be enough esophagus to do the repair.

After that heartbreaking news we were left discussing our options.  After many conversations and many more tears, we are still trying to decide exactly which option is best for Rebecca. But whatever we decide, it will end with us saying goodbye to our little one.

Please pray for wisdom, peace and comfort.

Update.

Unfortunately they weren't able to get Rebecca's breathing stabilized yesterday so they had to put her on a ventilator. The doctor said they don't like to do that because once you put a T18 baby they never come off. This was not good to hear but I do know, thanks to a T18 Mom's Facebook page that I joined, that this isn't always the case.

Because they put her on the vent and we're having trouble getting a tube in one of her veins (they were finally successful but it was hard because things aren't where they should be due to her extra chromosomes) they did not do the EA surgery.  And then the doctor said she was too small so we needed to wait anyway.

I am waiting on a pass from my doctor and as soon as I get that my parents are going to take me to see her. I will have to come back here tonight but will hopefully be discharged tomorrow.

So at this point we are still praying for a miracle.

Rebecca has arrived!

Rebecca Irene Cotell was born this morning at 9:40 weighing a tiny 4 pounds and 3 ounces with a feisty spirit and a lot of brown hair!

The diagnosis of Trisomy 18 was confirmed as was the esophageal atresia so she was transported to Brenner Children's Hospital where the will hopefully be able to do surgery to repair her esophagus tonight

The nurse wheeled me, hospital bed and all, into the NICU at Forsyth where I was able to hold her for a glorious 5 minutes before the transport team took her to the other hospital.

She was crying until they put her in my arms and then she stopped immediately. Baby girl recognized her mommy!

Please pray that she is able to have the surgery this evening and that all goes well. Please also pray that I am well enough to be released tomorrow so that I can be with Rebecca.

Ready. Set. Pray.

The kids are at my parent's house.  The hospital bag is packed.  The house is neat.

I guess we are ready.  My c-section is scheduled for 9:00 AM on Thursday morning so if you could take the time to say a prayer for us I would really appreciate.

It has been such a blessing to know that we have so many people praying for us.

Family members, high school friends, college friends, former work friends, army friends, stay-at-home mom friends, blog friends, Boy Scouts, Girl Scouts, people from my kid's school.  All praying for Rebecca.

And then there are people that I don't know personally who are praying for us.  We are on prayer lists at various churches, in Bible study groups, friends have friends praying with us by sharing our story on Facebook, my cousin even got a group of her best friends together to specifically pray for Rebecca.

And each time I hear that someone is praying for my baby, my heart is full of joy!  Knowing that so many people are coming together to pray for our little one gives me such peace.

I know we are all praying for a miracle.  I also know that a miracle may not be what God has in mind for Rebecca.

But I also know without a shadow of a doubt that God will be with us in the delivery room tomorrow.  He will be holding my sweet baby girl no matter what and I will be trusting him through it all.

But blessed is the one who trusts in the Lord,    whose confidence is in him. - Jeremiah 17:7

If you would like to pray specifically, please pray for the following:

• Pray that the c-section goes smoothly and that there are no complications for me.
• Pray for a miracle for Rebecca - that she be born free from any signs of Trisomy 18 or any other birth defects.
• If that's not the Lord's plan for her pray that Dan and I have wisdom and discernment when making decisions about her medical care. 
•  Pray that all the doctors and medical personnel that see Rebecca understand that even though she has a condition that deems her "incompatible with life", we see her as God sees her - beautiful and precious and worth doing everything we can to save.  Give these doctors wisdom on the best way to proceed.
• Pray that if she needs surgery to repair her esophagus tomorrow or Friday that the doctors are guided by the hand of God during the surgery.
• Pray for Peter and Sarah.  Pray that they feel God's love and peace. They are both dealing with this possible diagnosis in completely different ways and neither way is what I would deem healthy.

I will post as soon as possible on Thursday or Friday to let you all know what's going on.  In the meantime, please pray! 


Confess your sins to each other and pray for each other so that you may be healed. The earnest prayer of a righteous person has great power and produces wonderful results. - James 5:16

Tiny treasures.

I'm sure many of you have read Ann Voskamp's One Thousand Gifts or at least have heard of Ann and know what she's all about.

Last year I read her book. Well, to be completely honest, I read most of it.  Her writing is very, um, how can I put this without offending any of her many fans?   Oddly indirect?  Strangely descriptive?  Not straightforward?

Not sure exactly how to describe her writing but I find it very hard to read and I think I'm probably the only one who feels that way because most people love her book and her website A Holy Experience. 

Regardless of how I feel about Ann's writing style, it's her message that's most important.  And it's a simple one:  Give thanks in everything  and you will find joy.  She recommends taking her Joy Dare.  Write down three things every day that you give thanks for.  And they don't have to be big things.  In fact, usually, it's in being thankful for the small things that you find your true joy.

Last May after reading her book I started keeping a list.  And it's amazing that when you do this, when you start to look for God's little blessings throughout your day, you realize how much he truly loves you.

And if you write down three a day, you will easily get to one thousand gifts by the end of the year.  I am currently on gift 758 so I'm a little behind.  And I will have to admit it's because throughout this pregnancy, I have sometimes found myself wallowing in the uncertainty and the questions and the pain and not focusing on the daily gifts of joy that God is sending me.  But I've refocused myself the last few weeks and I'm trying to  go through each day on the lookout for these little gifts, and trust me, some days they are small. But they are there.

A bird perched on the top of a tree, my kid's laughing with each other, the sun after three days of rain, a Lindt chocolate truffle, a sweet email, a full moon, that perfect song on the radio at just the right time.....see, nothing huge but if you look around, really look around you for these tiny treasures, you will find that God delights in bringing good things to us.  We just have to make the effort to be willing to look for them.

As I'm nearing the end of this pregnancy, I've been reflecting on the good things that have come of it and I wanted to write down some of them so that I don't ever forget the good that God has sent us in the middle of this seemingly bad situation.

Here goes....

1.  My MS pain has been in complete remission since the very beginning of this pregnancy.  I have had zero pain and I have taken zero medications and I have felt better during this pregnancy than I have felt in the last ten years.  I am praying that my pain doesn't come back but most likely it will.  Even if it does, I have been extremely thankful for these last nine pain free months.

2.  I have  a great relationship with my husband.  In fact, if you asked me 9 months ago I would have told you that there was no way possible it could get any better.  Well, I was wrong!  Knowing that we are going to have baby that is "incompatible with life" has brought us closer than ever.  I have always felt that our love would withstand any struggle or problem life throws at us but now I know for certain.  And potentially, our struggles are just beginning, but I know that I have married the man God planned just for me and I know that we will truly be living out for better or for worse together.

3. Our prayer lives have increased exponentially.  I've always been a pray-er.  If I tell you I am going to pray for you, I will.  But there is something about praying for your unborn child that really gets you down on your knees so to speak.  Your prayers become raw and true and honest when you realize you have no power and that God is the only answer.

4.  The whole time I've known Dan, he has started and ended every day on his knees beside his bed in prayer just like his mom taught him.  Every day.  And I've always loved seeing him physically kneeling to pray.  I'm more of a pray as you go, anywhere, anytime kind of person but seeing him bowed down always brings a smile to my face.  He is also praying more than ever as well.  He has taken to finding a quiet place in the evenings, and retreating with his rosary beads and praying the rosary nightly.  Knowing that he is taking the time to do that really brings joy and peace to my heart.   

5.We have so many people who are praying for us, it's actually quite humbling.  It's hard sometimes to be on the receiving end of help but we need it and knowing that people we don't even know are praying for us is such a blessing.  And if you are praying for us, please know that I am praying for you as well.  I ask God every day to bless all of the people that are praying so fervently for Rebecca.

6.  Each email, text message, blog comment, Facebook message, note in the mail or phone call letting us know that people are praying for our baby has brought me much joy.  Reminders that we are being covered in prayer are a beautiful thing.

7. Even though I'm large and having trouble sleeping, this has been a fairly easy pregnancy on me physically.  I've had no morning sickness, no food aversions, no other health issues and for that, I'm truly thankful.

8. Doctors that seem willing to help Rebecca.  I have come across horror stories while doing my research on Trisomy 18 of doctors strong-arming women with Trisomy 18 babies into abortions or doctors that refuse to treat these babies or try to help them in any way because they are deemed incompatible with life.  So far all of the doctors we have spoken to seem ready and willing to help Rebecca even though the much of the rest of the medical world may not see value in her life.

9.  The love and support of family and friends.  This may seem like a given but it's so nice to know that in times of true need you have people there to support you and your family.

See!  Even in times of trouble, or sorrow, or despair, God is right there with you giving you exactly what you need to have a joy-filled life right where you are.

All you have to do is look.

Belly Shot - The final one!

Dan's brother, Bob, begins has his first round of chemotherapy today.  Prayers for him would be most appreciated!

I'm scheduled for my C-section on Thursday morning so this is the last belly shot you will see.  I might have Dan take one as we head out the door to the hospital but since I'll be wearing my glasses and have on zero make-up,  the internets will not get to see that one!

Week 38, Day 6  (but measuring 45 weeks plus)

I wore black to look slim.  I think it shaves at least two or three weeks off the belly.  HA!!! 

And isn't this picture a hoot?  We went to Dewey's Bakery on Saturday night after dinner.  I was unknowingly sitting in front of some Easter decorations and look like a very pregnant bunny!

Fun project for a 9-year-old girly girl.

Sarah's a girly-girl.  She loves make-up, perfume and clothes.  She also likes to watch You-Tube tutorials.

When she came to me telling me all about a tutorial she watched on how to make your own lipstick I knew there was no getting out of it.  We would be making our own lipstick.

She promised it was easy and actually - it was!!!

She picked out some crayons that were typical lipstick colors.  She removed the paper and broke each crayon in half.

She filled a big pot with water and put it on low to begin boiling.

She then put one tablespoon of coconut oil and a crayon in a small glass dish and placed the dishes in the pot of water. We left them to simmer while we did a few chores around the house.

Occasionally she would check on them and stir them a little.

After they had melted completely I helped her remove them from the water and we poured the liquid crayon/coconut oil mixture into empty paint containers which she had rinsed and dried.

This made a lot of lipstick so we ended up finding other containers to save the rest in. 

And here's the finished product:

My cutie with her pink lips! 

Free lipstick = happy girl.
Easy project = happy momma.
 

Final OB appointment and ultrasound!

I had my 38 week OB appointment yesterday morning.  And guess how big this belly is?

It measured a whopping 45 weeks!  But only 1 more week to go until the scheduled C-section so hopefully I can handle it.

I did talk to my OB and complained that my only problem with my giant stomach was lack of sleep.  He told me to take two Benadryl and call him in the morning.  Well, okay, not call him in the morning, but he did say to take Benadryl.  So I did and y'all, that's the best I've slept in weeks!  And because I wasn't tossing and turning and getting up and down all night long, it was the best Dan has slept in weeks, too.

After my OB appointment (which is my last one!), I headed for another ultrasound and BPP (biophysical profile) for the baby (which is also our last one).

She has been asleep for the last two and since they check to see that she's taking practice breaths, I wanted to make sure she was wide awake so I had some caffeine right before my appointment.  And that seemed to do the trick.

She was moving all over the place.  And as soon as the technician put the wand over her stomach we could see it moving up and down and quickly counted her breaths.

Her stomach bubble was still empty and thanks to all this fluid we are certain that the first major medical problem we will have to deal with after she is born (assuming that she's the fighter that I expect she is and comes out breathing!) will be the esophageal atresia.  But, we are ready to take it one step at a time with this little one.

And y'all, in addition to being fiesty she's ornery.  The technician was trying to get a good picture of her face for me and my little girl kept doing this:

But the technician was determined and after a lot of poking and prodding and turning we got her to show her little face:

And here's her sweet little profile:

And with that, we are officially done with all of our scheduled appointments and now we are counting the days until we meet this little one.

Thanks for your prayers.  Please, keep them coming! 

Urgent Prayer Request

First, I would like to thank everyone for their continued prayers for Rebecca and for our family.  As her April 10th delivery approaches, I have a feeling of peace and calm -something I did not think was possible when we first got her diagnosis. 

I have no idea how her life will unfold but I am trusting God with it every step of the way. 

Today I come to you with an urgent prayer request. We just  learned that Dan's brother Bob has Stage 4 Colon Cancer.  This has been a shock to the entire family as Bob, who is a colonel in the Army JAG Corps has always been so healthy.

We believe that God is bigger than cancer.  In fact, we believe that God is bigger than any disease or any problem that we may face in this fallen world. 

I am asking that you join with me in praying for the following:

That the doctors are able to quickly discern the right course of treatment for him. 
That his body responds well to the treatment.
That he feels the peace and comfort that comes only from knowing that the Lord is in control.
That the rest of the family feels this peace and comfort especially as we are nearing Rebecca's delivery.
That we continue to trust in God and in His plan for each one of us.

I have heard your prayer, I have seen your tears; surely I will heal you. - 2 Kings 20:5