How I got here. Part 2.

So, when I last left off, it was roughly October of 2006.  We had move to Winston-Salem and were living with my parents while we were building a house.

Peter was almost 4 and Sarah was almost 2 1/2 and I was 37.  We really wanted another baby and I just felt like time was running out.  I was still off the Betaseron but I felt like I was pushing my luck.  I knew I needed to start taking that medication again but you can't have any of that in your system if you are trying to get pregnant.  And I was still having the pain and dizziness.  Another reminder that I probably should get back on the Betaseron.

But we still really wanted another baby. Dan is from a family of 4 siblings and I am one of two.  We felt like 3 would be the perfect number for us.  (Although honestly, I think Dan would have taken 4 or 5 or more!) 

I talked it over with my neurologist.  Even though I was still off the Betaseron, I was still taking Carbatrol.  My spells where somewhat under control as long as I took  the Carbatrol. (And I was taking a lot of Carbatrol.  It wasn't until later that I learned I was taking more than I should have been. But I needed it for the pain and was under the mistaken impression that I could take as much as I needed.)

My neurologist told me that I could go ahead and try to get pregnant even though I was still on the Carbatrol. (And, in hindsight, this was not a good decision.)  So we went for it and in November of 2006, I was pregnant!  We were thrilled.  Our family was finally going to be complete!

But a couple of weeks later I had a miscarriage.

And knowing what I know now, I blame the Carbatrol.  Carbatrol, as I mentioned before is used as a drug to control seizures.  Because of this, they actually have a substantial amount of data on pregnant women who take Carbatrol because some women with Epilepsy have to be on the Carbatrol at all times even though there is known risk to the fetus.

The Carbatrol can cause birth defects such as head and facial deformities, spina bifida and  heart defects.  However, they have also found that the risk of these go down if the pregnant woman is taking large doses of folic acid along with the Carbatrol.

I don't think my doctor realized how much Carbatrol I was actually taking or maybe he didn't think the risk was as great as they now know it to be.  But I am convinced that my miscarriage was caused by the large amount of Carbatrol I was taking at the time I got pregnant.

Dan and I were both upset but we had to keep on going.  We were about to move into our new house, we had two healthy, happy little ones and Dan had a new job that he enjoyed and I was able to stay home with the kids.  What more could two people ask for?  On paper, we were living the American Dream.  But in my heart, I just felt like something (or someone) was missing. 

So we kept trying for a few more months.  But I knew that I needed to get back on the Betaseron.  This is the medication that prevents MS from progressing and as much as I absolutely hated taking those shots, I knew I needed to get back on it.   I had a responsibility to my kids and my husband to be as healthy as possible.  But I also knew that I couldn't be on the Betaseron and be pregnant.  Back and forth I went. 

I continued to pray to God asking for clear guidance about whether or not to start back on the Betaseron and he answered me.  My spells which seemed semi-under control for the last few months started back up with a vengance.  I was in a lot of pain and felt like God was telling me to take care of my health and family and not worry about having another baby.

In April of 2007, I officially went back on the Betaseron shots.  My OB/GYN (who happens to be a practicing Catholic) recommended that I go on birth control to prevent becoming pregnant since I was on medication that could be harmful to a fetus.  He said he talked to several priests and they all agreed with him that in instances like mine, birth control would be okay.

Dan and I talked it over and we felt like this was wrong.  What's the point of trusting God and being open to life if it was going to be on your own terms?  That  a possible miscarriage or a sick baby meant you could say you were going to take matters into your own hands and play God and use birth control anyway just because of your particular situation?  That didn't feel like right to us.   It felt like abandoning our beliefs. It felt like the easy way out.

So we declined the birth control and I began tracking my fertility so that I would not get pregnant.  A far cry from all the previous months of tracking my fertility to try to become pregnant.

We were leaving everything up to God.  And while it was hard to let go of the dream of a third baby, I knew deep down that I was doing the right thing for my health and for my family.  And in the meantime, I took comfort in the following poem...

Wait

by Russell Kelfer

Desperately, helplessly, longingly, I cried; Quietly, patiently, lovingly, God replied. I plead and I wept for a clue to my fate... and the Master so gently said,"Wait." "Wait? you say wait?" my indignant reply. "Lord, I need answers, I need to know why!" Is your hand shortened? Or have you not heard? By faith I have asked, and I'm claiming your Word.
My future and all to which I relate hangs in the balance and you tell me to Wait?" I'm needing a 'yes', a go-ahead sign. Or even a 'no,' to which I'll resign. You promised, dear Lord, that if we believe, We need but to ask, and we shall receive. Lord, I've been asking, and this is my cry: I'm weary of asking! I need a reply.
Then quietly, softly, I learned of my fate as my Master replied again, "Wait." So I slumped in my chair, defeated and taut, and grumbled to God, "So, I'm waiting...for what?" He seemed then to kneel, and His eyes met with mine... and He tenderly said, "I could give you a sign. I could shake the heavens and darken the sun. I could raise the dead and cause mountains to run.
I could give all you seek and pleased you would be. You'd have what you want, but you wouldn't know Me. You'd not know the depth of My love for each saint. You'd not know the power that I give to the faint. You'd not learn to see through clouds of despair; you'd not learn to trust just by knowing I'm there. You'd not know the joy of resting in Me when darkness and silence are all you can see.
You'd never experience the fullness of love when the peace of My spirit descends like a dove. You would know that I give, and I save, for a start, But you'd not know the depth of the beat of My heart. The glow of My comfort late into the night, the faith that I give when you walk without sight. The depth that's beyond getting just what you ask From an infinite God who makes what you have last.  You'd never know should your pain quickly flee, what it means that My grace is sufficient for thee. Yes, your dearest dreams overnight would come true, but oh, the loss if I lost what I'm doing in you. So, be silent, my child, and in time you will see that the greatest of gifts is to truly know me. And though oft My answers seem terribly late, My most precious answer of all is still "WAIT".

How I got here. Part 1.

So now that everyone knows I'm pregnant (and old), I know everyone is wondering how it happened.  And I know this because of all the people who have asked me in real life.

I'm not offended by their questions.  People are curious. I'm curious and I would want to know the same things.

Was it planned?  Was it an accident?  What the heck were we thinking?

So here it is in all it's glory.  The story of how I became pregnant at 44.

I'm going to go waaaaaay back to 1997 and start from there.  It's technically not the beginning for me, because that would be 1969, the year of my birth, but that would include a lot of info that's not really relevant so we will start in 1997.

That's the year I was diagnosed with Multiple Sclerosis.  I had a lot of numbness and tingling in my feet and after seeing several doctors and going through lots of tests, it was determined that I had MS.

I was shocked.  Not devasted, just shocked.  The doctor that diagnosed the MS told me there were lots of other things they were testing for and MS wasn't the worst thing it could have been and I guess I found that comforting. 

MS is (according to my good friend Wikipedia) is an inflammatory disease in which the insulating covers of nerve cells in the brain and spinal cord are damaged. This damage disrupts the ability of parts of the nervous system to communicate, resulting in a wide range of signs and symptoms,including physical, mental, and sometimes psychiatric problems. MS takes several forms, with new symptoms either occurring in isolated attacks (relapsing forms) or building up over time (progressive forms).Between attacks, symptoms may go away completely; however, permanent neurological problems often occur, especially as the disease advances

I have relapsing MS which is thankfully, the less horrible of the two forms.  It means I could have an attack with symptoms and then they go away and I'm perfectly fine. Progressive means the disease progresses and there are no relapses or remissions from the symptoms.

So, I was diagnosed with relapsing/remitting MS in 1997.  After high doses or steroids, my symptoms eventually went away and I was fine.  I did have to begin taking a weekly intramuscular shot (Avonex, which was injected by my boyfriend at the time who eventually become my dear husband) and I will say I hated that.

The shots were painful because they had to go into the muscle, for the first 6 months or so they caused flu-like symptoms every time I took one and were just an all around annoyance.  But they were keeping the MS from getting worse so I continued to take them even though I hated every minute of it.

Fast forward to the end of 2001.  Dan and I had been married for a year and a half, built a house, and were finally ready to have kids!  Before we could start trying to get pregnant, I had to go off the Avonex for 6 weeks. This drug is pretty powerful and stays in your system for a long time even after you are no longer taking it.

By March of 2002, I found out I was pregnant! I had Peter in November 2002 with zero problems.  I continued to stay off the Avonex because I hated taking it and because I knew we were eventually going to have another baby.

By September of 2003, I was pregnant again.  Sarah wasn't planned but we weren't exactly trying not to get pregnant either.  So, happy surprise!  Just pregnant a little sooner than we thought we were going to be.

I had Sarah on June 4th, 2004 and things were great until the 4th of July. When you are pregnant, your body produces a lot of natural steroids.  These steroids protect pregnant women with MS and typically pregnant women with MS have zero symptoms throughout there pregnancy.

But, the chance of having a relapse in the first six months after you deliver is as high as 40%!

We had been outside watching some of the neighbors shoot off fireworks.  Sarah, being only 1 month old, was not amused.  I took her inside and we watched the fireworks from the window.

I remember holding her, watching the fireworks in the sky and feeling a horrible pain in my right, upper arm.  There was burning pain and my head felt dizzy. At first I thought I had been bitten by a spider but we could see no visible marks.

After a couple of weeks of this pain and dizziness coming and going, I headed to my neurologist for my annual appointment.  The neurologist gave me some steroids (not as much as he should have, in retrospect) to help with this new flare-up.

After I took the course of steroids, the burning pain and headaches and dizziness were still there.  The doctor prescribed several other medications to help the pain but nothing seemed to work.  I also felt like this doctor didn't believe that I was actually in pain. (With MS pain, there is no actual physical cause for the pain.  It's basically your nerves sending pain signals to your brain for no apparent reason.) This neurologist was not an MS specialist but he should have known about this!

I switched neurologists and she tried other combinations of medicine.  She was a much nicer doctor but MS was not her specialty either.  A neighbor of mine who also had MS  recomended her neruologist who specialized in MS patients.  I was on a waiting list but finally got in to see him.

He said that my first neurologist should have given me much, much larger doses of steroids and that might have gotten rid of them all together.  So, at his suggestion, I went to the hospital for 5 nights in a row to receive IV steroids.  At this point, I was ready to try anything.  I had been experiencing the burning pain (which had now moved from my upper arm to my neck) and the headaches and dizziness for 16 months.

The pain and dizziness (or "spells" as I affectionately referred to them) would typically come in the evenings and would last for up to 45 minutes.  Eventually it got to the point where they were lasting upwards of two hours or more.  And when I would get a spell, I would basically just curl up on the couch until it passed.  The pain was so intense that it was hard to move or even to talk.  It made evenings with me oh so pleasant.  Just ask my poor husband.

Or, there would be days when I would have 5 or 6 spells each lasting 20 minutes.  The spells, like MS, were totally unpredictable and just kept getting worse.

The IV steroids did not help but my neurologist continued to play around with my medication and at least he was trying to find me some relief.

At this point, we moved from Charlotte and he recommended another MS specialist in the Winston-Salem are and he also kept switching up my meds and we eventually settled on  Carbatrol and Lyrica. (Carbatrol controls seizures but for some reason has been found to be helpful with MS pain.  And Lyrica is for shingles pain which apparently is very similar to MS pain.)  I was also taking Betaseron instead of Avonex.  Betaseron was also a shot (luckily subcutaneous and not intramuscular) but it had to be taken every other day instead of once a week.

The kids were 2 and 3 1/2 at this point and we still wanted more.  But what to do?  What to do? Should I go off the Betaseron and try to get pregnant?  Should I just be happy with two healthy kids and try to improve my own health?  

I'll try to finish up this lengthy discourse tomorrow.  (I'm totally boring the heck out of myself with this story so I can only imagine how the rest of you are feeling at this point.  Although I would be shocked if anyone other than my mother actually got this far!)

We had fun even though we didn't find what we were looking for.

Dan and Peter headed to Camp Raven Knob on Friday evening for a weekend of camping with the Cub Scouts.  I let Sarah pick where we were going to go for dinner and, as expected, she chose Chick-Fil-A. 

We had a nice dinner and headed home to work on a project.  She wanted to sew.  We got out the unopened sewing kit that Santa brought her last Christmas and laid out all the felt, and thread, and needles, and pin cushion, and directions and she spent about 10 minutes trying to decide what she wanted to make.

I knew this was going no where fast.  She's like me...likes the thought of sewing but lacks in the excecution department.

Plus, she wanted to make a video of herself while working on her project.

She spent a lot of time videoing the parts to the sewing kit and about 5 minutes actually putting needle and thread to felt before she quickly bored of the whole project.  She then downloaded a video editing app to her iPod and had more fun playing with that than she did sewing. 

On Saturday morning, we slept in, had lunch with my brother and then headed to the mall for some shopping.  We were looking for a dress to wear to the Father/Daughter dance in November.

We stopped into a few stores but were were highly disappointed.  Sarah had never been into Justice so I thought we would check them out. 

Oh.  My.

Even Sarah was disgusted by the amount of sequins, glitter, fur, and neon on all the clothing in that store.  The only thing she was remotely interested in from that store was a sequin covered journal. 

She wants a Bedazzler for Christmas and any item looks like it has been Bedazzled catches her attention.  Luckily, the clothes were too tacky even for her 9-year-old sensibilities and we got the heck out of that store as quickly as we could.

We finally made it to the little girls dress section in Belk, selected 10 dresses and hit the dressing room.  Her absolute favorite was this little number and she tried it on first:

As much as she LOVED this dress is as much as I HATED this dress.

Honestly, I think Sarah was attracted to the belt and the built-in necklace.  I told her that if she wore that she would look like a 40-year-old business woman going out to dinner after a long day of meetings instead of a 9-year-old at a Daddy/Daughter dance.

She totally disagreed with me and hated something about ever other dress she tried on.  I had to put my foot down about this dress though because I could not stop thinking about Julia Roberts and Pretty Woman and there was no way my baby was wearing this dress to a dance with her daddy.

But the other dresses we tried on were too babyish.  And then there were some that just weren't flattering.  Adn then there were others that were too plain (although I told her we could go to Charming Charlies and get a necklace, especially since I honestly believe the only thing about his dress that she really loved was the necklace). Nothing quite fit the bill.

We headed to a few other stores, stopped at the Great American Cookie and even went to Kohls.  No luck.  I suggested a quick trip to Target but my sweet little shopper was worn out. 

So we headed home with no dress.  We did purchase some Amber Blush Body Mist from Bath and Body Works so at least we didn't go home empty handed.

Even though we didn't find a dress, Sarah's excited because no purchase equals another shopping trip to the mall with mommy.  Hopefully by the time we head back, Belk will have another batch of dresses on the racks and we will be able to find just the right one.

Until then, I am going to work hard at keeping my girl looking like a school girl and not a working girl, if you know what I mean...

WIWS: The paisley tent and mini-skirt edition.

Linking up with all the ladies at Fine Linen and Purple for another round of What I Wore Sunday.

I've been struggling in the wardrobe department lately thanks to the little bambino I'm toting around.  He/She has caused me to probably double my caloric intake each day, thus causing not only my stomach to grow but literally ever other part of me as well.  My butt, y'all?  It's never ever been as big as it now. 

My increased size means that I basically don't fit into any of my regular clothes any longer but at only 13 1/2 weeks pregnant I'm just not quite ready to wear maternity clothes...it just seems too soon.  I finally broke down and got some maternity jeans last week and it has been so much more comfortable that walking around with my pants unbuttoned and half-zipped.

I didn't want to wear jeans to Mass this morning so I opted to go for the unbuttoned, half-zipped skirt (that is quickly becoming too much of a mini thanks to having to hike it way up over my baby mound...I surpassed baby bump several weeks ago) and a large shirt worn untucked.  (I did wear one of those bands over the top of my skirt that keep unbuttoned pants from falling down.  That was $15 well spent.  It's allowed me to wear my normal jeans and breath and not worry about them falling down for the last three weeks.)

Tee-shirt: Target
Shirt: Target
Skirt: Target
Shoes: Target

I typically don't like myself in prints but this one was muted enough that I didn't feel like it was screaming, "I'm wearing a print!  Check me out!".  I'm not sure what it is but I'm just not comfortable wearing prints.  I see other people wearing prints and think they always look nice but when I wear them, I feel like I'm walking around with a giant flashing arrow on top of my head. (I'm weird.  I know.)

In reality, the print isn't quite as muted as it looks in the photo.  The paisley is teal, peach and gray and I'm wearing a peach tee shirt underneath.

It's probably not the most flattering outfit, but I could breath and I guess, for the next 6 months, comfort is going to be what matters most!

For more fashion inspiration check out the other WIWS peeps.  And leave them some comment love too if you have a minute.  

7 Quick Takes Friday - What Is It?

It's 7 Quick Takes Friday and once again I'm linking up with Jen at Conversion Diary.

1.  What the heck is this??

Yesterday, Sarah grabbed a notebook and a pen and said, "I'm going outside to do an inspection."  I wasn't sure what that meant but a few minutes later she came running back in and exclaimed, "You've got to see what I found!"

So we went running outside so I could inspect her inspection find.  It was pretty cool, and pretty gross at the same time.  There were actually two on the tree and they were hanging as if they were trying to blend in with the leaves.

I came back inside and Googled "centipede leaf camoflauge"  and "insect red dot green leaf" and got no where. Then I Googled "oak tree insect" and also got nowhere.  Hopefully this is just some harmless insect in hiding and not an oak tree eating bug that's going to kill Dan's little oak tree.

He took some seedlings that had sprouted around an oak tree in the yard at his parent's house on Cape Cod, brought them back to North Carolina and grew them until one became big enough to plant in our back yard.  It's probably about 4 feet tall now (I guess it's about  4 years old now).  He likes to joke that his great grand kids will be able to use it as a shade tree. He also occasional will ask my parents if his giant oak tree is putting too much shade on their house.

2.  Yesterday I had lunch with my Care Group from my MOMs Club.  This club started as a Mothers of Preschoolers group but as our children aged out, we switched it to Moms on a Mission so anyone with infants to elementary aged kids could participate.  This group of ladies (minus one who was unable to attend) are all right around my old age.  We really bonded last year among all of the late twenty and early thirty somethings in our group. 

We haven't gotten together since the end of May and we had a lot to catch up on.  These ladies are so thoughtful too.  There were baby goodies and Target gift cards galore waiting on me!  Blessed and spoiled...that's me!

3. And of course, we split some delicious baked pimento cheese and I had a huge cheeseburger with bacon and fried pickles.  YUM!

4.  Peter and Dan are going camping with the Cub Scouts this weekend.  So Sarah and I will most likely be spending Saturday at the mall.  The Father/Daughter dance is coming up in November and you know what that means.  You've got to have a new dress! 

5.  Simcha Fisher shared this link on her blog earlier this week.  It is absolutely gorgeous.  It's a recording of crickets "singing".  There are two tracks being played on top of each other.  The first track is how the crickets sound at normal speed.  The second track has been slowed down.   Take a listen.  You won't regret it! 

6. My mom is excitedly planning a baby shower for me.  At first I told her that I didn't think that would be right since I've already had two kids and had already had my baby shower. However, she stated that since I have absolutely nothing left from either one of those two "babies", a baby shower would be perfectly acceptable.  And since I have had lots of people express interest in buying gifts for the baby, I have now decided to go along with this whole baby shower business.  I am evening looking foward to opening lots of wee little things.

7.  I'm reading Stormie Omartian's new book, Prayer Warrior.  She wrote this book to help people have a meaningful prayer life that is more than just asking for blessings.  I have several of her other books and can't wait to get into this one!

Have a great weekend everyone!

Five Favorites: The "What This Pregnant Lady Is Eating" Edition

I'm joining up with Hallie at Moxie Wife for Five Favorites.

These are my top 5 favorite foods that I've been eating during my 1st trimester of pregnancy.

1. BLT sandwiches with extra mayo.  I love me some bacon and lots of mayo.  And I think this baby feels the same way!  I've probably had 2-3 BLTs a week since I found out I was pregnant.

2.  Hamburgers with cheese.  A lot of melty drippy cheese.  Nothing beats a juicy burger with lots of cheese (and lots of mayo).  I had a delicious one the other day at Mozelle's.  The cheese?  Melted pimento cheese.  Oh my!  It was delightful! (This Mozelle's Pimento Cheese Burger is pictured with fries.  I had mine with Kettle Chips and Ranch Dressing and they were divine.)

Image Source

3.Baked potato with with cheese.  A lot of melty drippy cheese.  And Ranch Dressing.  And jalapenos. I have been enjoying these for lunch now for the past couple of weeks.  Delish!  And quick if you heat the potatoes in the microwave.

Image Source

4.  Pepper Jack Pimento Cheese Toasts.  Are we sensing a theme here with the cheese and the jalapenos?  I have made these a couple of times this pregnancy and would really love  a huge plate of them right now! (Recipe here!)

5. Jalapeno Cilantro Dip.  I made this so many times when I found out I was pregnant that I think I had my fill.  Although it's been several weeks now that I've had any and now might be a great time to make some more.  We are still getting jalapenos from the garden! (Recipe here!)

Needless to say, I'm 13 weeks pregnant and I've gained 12 pounds!  YIKES!  Someone needs to tell this baby to lay off of the meat, cheese, mayo, Ranch, and jalapenos.  (But does any pregnant person ever crave fruits and vegetables?)

All right, I'm off to find something to eat!

One last quick trip to the beach. I guess now, it's officially fall.

We took a quick trip to the beach this past weekend.  We were hoping to make it a little longer but the kids have standardized testing all this week at school and they couldn't miss that.  But even though it was a quick trip, the weather was great and we had a lot of fun on the beach both Saturday afternoon and Sunday morning.

The kids kept saying that the next time we come to the beach, the baby will be with us.  And, I guess that's true!

Please forgive me poor photography.  I have the worst time trying to take photos at the beach.  I try to adjust my camera but I can't see the digital screen in the sunlight so I can't ever tell if I'm overexposed or underexposed...and it's usually one of the two.  I guess I should have just left it on Manual.

Here are the best of the worst:

7 Quick Takes Friday - The BIG NEWS Edition

I'm joining Jen for 7 Quick Takes because ya'll, I have news! BIG NEWS

1.

2. Yep.  That's right.  At the ripe old age of 44.  Can you believe it?

3.  Well, neither could we but the reality has finally set in and after the shock wore off, there was nothing but excitement (and, well, truth be told, a little fear!).  This is truly an unexpected blessing.

4. Expected arrival?  April 15th!

5.  I would appreciate your prayers.  Thanks to my advanced age and the fact that I was taking some medication for my Multiple Sclerosis (which I obviously have stopped taking now) we are a little worried about health issues for this little one.

6.  And even though I'm typically long-winded and my normal 7 Quick Takes are 8 or 9 Really Long Takes, that's all I've got for you this morning!

So glad he was wearing bright orange!

A couple of weekends ago, Dan and Peter went on a hike with his Cub Scout Den.  Unfortunately, only 3 boys were able to go but that worked out just great.  Peter is much more comfortable in smaller groups and I think the boys and the dads had a really good morning.

They headed to Hanging Rock early and got there before the crowds.  There was an eerie haze over the mountain which Peter said made it look really cool.

And I would have to agree.  Check out these pictures my husband took with his iPhone.

And my two favorite shots...

 Peter wanted this one taken specifically so he could do his Napoleon Bonaparte impersonation.

I love how this tree has grown. Makes the perfect picture frame!

And to see how Hanging Rock normally looks...check out this post.