Friday, May 31, 2019

Am I doing it wrong?


I went to Adoration yesterday morning at church.  I felt I needed to go and sit with God for a bit to see what he had to say to me on some things I've been struggling with.  I was pretty excited to go. I hadn't been in a while and the timing yesterday worked out perfectly with some errands I needed to run.   

Other Catholics that I follow on social media go to Adoration and come back "refreshed", "invigorated", "full of the Spirit" and excited because "they heard God speak to them" and "give them direction" or they just felt so "full of peace" that they just knew everything was going to be okay.

I wanted (needed!) some of that so off to Adoration I went!

And I sat there.  And I prayed.  And I sat there some more.  And I prayed some more.  And I tried to quiet all the voices in my mind.  And I waited for God to speak. And I prayed more. And I waited. I waited for direction, for peace, for refreshment, for answers.
 
And none of that came. 

So I left Adoration feeling as if perhaps I didn't "do it right".  I tried not to feel dejected but I wanted to come out of Adoration the way all the other people on Instagram do - so full of Jesus that they want to shout it from the mountain tops or at least from their Insta-stories.


I felt discouraged for the rest of the day. 

I  completed my errands, the kids came home from school, there was swim practice, dinner, and then it was time for bed.

I had just fallen asleep when one of the kids (who shall remain nameless) woke me up to tell me that a project they had been working on and that was due this morning had been deleted while they were trying to convert the file to .PDF.  The file with hours worth of work was on the computer but was empty.  Blank.

I was annoyed and frustrated but remained calm.  I didn't lecture about waiting until the last minute but I started silently praying that the file could be recovered.

Dan and I got to work trying to help but after about 40 minutes of doing everything we could think of, we gave up.  The file couldn't be recovered. I advised the kid to start over.

Coffee was made, more silent prayers were prayed, and Dan and I went to bed while the kid in question got to work.

The project got finished.  

This morning as I was reflecting on yesterday, I realized the following:  I was able to react calmly to an annoying and stressful situation, I was able to give an undeserving child some measure of grace, and I was able to get a decent night's sleep without too much worry about the outcome of the project after having left it in God's hands.

I like to think that this was in part (or all) because I went to Adoration yesterday. I didn't get what I thought I was going to get but perhaps I got exactly what I needed. 

Maybe I was doing it right after all.  And maybe I need to go back next Thursday.  ;)



3 comments:

Madeline said...

You are not doing it wrong. Adoration takes a while to find your groove. Do you ever watch Fr. Mike Schmitz? His "Value of Silence" explains why sometimes the silence of Adoration brings a lot of things to the forefront. Obviously, Jesus answered to you in how you reacted. (Poor nameless child though, shouldn't have waited until the last minute but still so rough when files disappear like that!) I hope you keep going to Adoration.

Diane Teague said...

Don used to tell me a poem about prayers. The only part I can remember is “answers to prayers come in various way, some come in minutes, some come in days”. I think your’s came later.

Michelle said...

You definitely aren’t doing it wrong! I had the same experience in adoration this week as you. And I definitely think the abitilty to stay patient and trust over the project was grace!
I think it’s like being outside in the sun...it seems like nothing happened until you realize hours later that you got some color. Sometimes the effect of adoration take a while to surface.:)