A little kick in my prayer pants.

Yesterday, the devotion Lysa TerKeurst posted on Proverbs 31 really spoke to me.

It was all about being afraid to praying boldly.

I pray.  And I pray a lot.  Like all-throughout-my-day kind of praying.

And when I pray, I expect God to answer.  I pray for healing for everyone else and I expect it - whether it be breast cancer, cirrhosis, autism, or relationship problems.  I ask God for what I want him to do and I expect that He will do it.  Of course, He doesn't always do it.  But I do ask expecting that He will.

When we found out Rebecca had Trisomy 18, I prayed for her to be healed.  But for some reason, deep down in my heart, I really felt like God gave her this for a reason and that he was not going to heal her.

Lysa put it this way in her devotion:

"So, my hesitation isn’t rooted in any kind of doubt about God.  It’s more rooted in doubts about myself and my ability to absolutely discern the will of God. The reality is sometimes God chooses not to do things.  And if His will is no, while I am boldly praying for a yes, it makes me feel out of step with God."

So, my hesitation isn’t rooted in any kind of doubt about God. It’s more rooted in doubts about myself and my ability to absolutely discern the will of God. The reality is sometimes God chooses not to do things. And if His will is no, while I am boldly praying for a yes, it makes me feel out of step with God. - See more at: http://proverbs31.org/devotions/devo/im-scared-to-pray-boldly/#sthash.2oECDeT3.dpuf

And because of not wanting to feel out of step with God, my prayers for Rebecca felt half-hearted.  Oh, don't get me wrong.  I prayed for her all day long, any time she passed through my mind.  But there was always a nagging sense that they were futile prayers - that God wanted her to have this and my prayers weren't going to be answered anyway so, what was the point of praying for a miracle?

So my prayers began to sound like this:  Please heal Rebecca of her Trisomy 18, but if that's not your will Lord, give us the grace and peace to accept her and love her as she is.  Give us wisdom and discernment after she's born as we will have a lot of decisions to make.  And give us all peace and comfort.

And while that is a good, solid prayer, it began to sound like a concession.  Along the lines of - well, your not going to heal her anyway so here's what I'm asking instead.  Even though deep in my heart, I really want complete, total and miraculous healing for her.

I (yes, little ole me!) had already decided what God (yes, great big all-powerful, all-knowing God!) was going to do so I stopped praying boldly for miraculous healing for my own daughter (while having no problem praying for miraculous healing for any other person) and started praying for all the other things I would need when the healing doesn't come.

And then I read these words from Lysa:

"I wonder why I don’t just boldly pray: God, please heal my friend. And then stand confidently knowing my prayers were not in vain no matter what the outcome. 

The reality is, my prayers don’t change God. But I am convinced prayer changes me. 

Praying boldly boots me out of that stale place of religious habit into authentic connection with God Himself.

Prayer opens my spiritual eyes to see things I can’t see on my own. And I’m convinced prayer matters. Prayers are powerful and effective if prayed from the position of a righteous heart (James 5:16)." 

I, her mother, am the one who should be praying the boldest, loudest prayers of all but I had not been.
And that's going to change.  I'm going to do like Lysa said.  I am going to ask, and ask, and ask yet again for complete, total and miraculous healing for Rebecca not so that God may  move but so that I will be in a position to see Him move any way he chooses.


I am joining the other bloggers at Conversion Diary with 7 Posts in 7 Days.

So let’s ask. And ask again. Not so that we can cause God to move, rather so that we can position our souls to be able to see our sweet Jesus move in any which way He pleases. - See more at: http://proverbs31.org/devotions/devo/im-scared-to-pray-boldly/#sthash.2oECDeT3.dpuf

I wonder why I don’t just boldly pray: God, please heal my friend. And then stand confidently knowing my prayers were not in vain no matter what the outcome.
The reality is, my prayers don’t change God. But I am convinced prayer changes me. Praying boldly boots me out of that stale place of religious habit into authentic connection with God Himself.
Prayer opens my spiritual eyes to see things I can’t see on my own. And I’m convinced prayer matters. Prayers are powerful and effective if prayed from the position of a righteous heart (James 5:16).
- See more at: http://proverbs31.org/devotions/devo/im-scared-to-pray-boldly/#sthash.2oECDeT3.dpuf I'm going to ask, and ask, and ask yet again for miraculous healing for Rebecca.  Not so that God will move but so that I am ready to see Him move any way he decides.