Friday, April 20, 2007

Whatever will be, will be...

I spent part of this afternoon cleaning out the kid's closets. I do this at the change of every season. I fold up all of the past season's clothes, put them in Rubbermaid boxes, label the outside of the box and store them in the basement. I have a total of 37 boxes. The whole process depressed me today. It never has in the past. It normally excites me. I get a thrill from cleaning, organizing, straightening. But today it made me sad. I guess it's because the whole reason I saved the clothes was because I might need them one day for another baby.

I started saving Peter's clothes knowing that we definitely would have another baby. I started saving Sarah's clothes because I thought we most likely would have a third baby and I would be set - it could be a girl or boy and I would be ready! But now, I have a strong feeling that I am not pregnant. I will know for sure in a week or so. Even if I am pregnant though I have a bed feeling. I have had to start taking the Carbatrol again and that's the medicine that I am quite certain caused my miscarriage in November. My neurologist assured me it was safe but I have done research on the Internet and while 90% of women who take it have normal babies there are many problems with the remaining 10%.

I have been so excited because for the last month I have had to take NO pain medications of any kind. I thought that after almost 3 years, finally, my pain was gone and I could have baby number three and live happily ever after. Dan has finally been home and not travelling so conception seemed highly likely. However, less than a week after we were purposefully "trying" I started to have pain again and needed the pain medication. I lay in bed at night while I am having one of my spells and I know that if I am not pregnant this month I definitely have to go back on the Betaseron which means we are officially done trying to get pregnant again. No one recommends being on Betaseron and being pregnant. In fact, they recommend that you stop taking it for at least three months before you even start trying. In light of the fact that my pain is coming back it is probably for the best that I am most likely not pregnant. As much as I want to have another baby, I don't want my MS to spiral out of control. As with everything in my life, I am trying to give it up to God and let him lead the way.

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