Monday, April 15, 2019

5 years

Rebecca's birthday was last Wednesday. I didn't write about it or really even talk about it.  I guess I was trying to avoid it because turning five is such a milestone.

Or maybe I was trying to forget it about it because I'm still grieving the loss of my dad and I'm just tired of being sad.  Everything just feels very heavy lately. Even Dan said this birthday felt harder than the ones that have come before it. 

And today, April 15th,  is the anniversary of the day she died.

Honestly though, I  wasn't even thinking about it until my Google photo app alerted me that I had memories from this day in 2014.

As soon as I saw that alert I knew what it was.  My heart dropped.  I shouldn't have clicked on it but I did it anyway.

Each morning at the hospital for those 5 days she lived, Dan and I would take our place by her little NICU crib just thankful that she made it through the last few hours while we slept fitfully in a small bed in a room just a few feet away from her.

After we would get an update from the nurses and love on our sweet girl, we would take pictures.  We have hundreds and hundreds of pictures from those five days. Pictures that I'm glad I have but pictures that I don't ever look at.

In the  first pictures we took that day she looks so tiny, so sick. During that week in the NICU (and the entire 9 months before) I prayed fervently for a miracle and was expectantly waiting for one. I just knew God was going to heal her so I guess it's no wonder that I didn't notice how bad she looked.

When I saw those pictures this morning I couldn't stop crying.  She looked purple.  I don't remember her looking purple. I should have known what was coming.

Then there were pictures of us holding her later that afternoon after they had taken her off all the machines. In one picture I'm holding her in my arms and  I've got a sad tired smile on my face. 

But it was the picture of Sarah sitting beside Rebecca sobbing while Peter rubbed her tiny head that broke me this morning. That picture brought back all the pain and heartache from 5 years ago.

I know that God heals all wounds and redeems all things. And just as I prayed for Rebecca's healing, I'm praying for our hearts to heal. It's been five years and I'm still waiting expectantly.

Heal me oh Lord, and I will be healed; 
Save me and I will be saved,
for you are the one I praise. - Jeremiah 17:14


8 comments:

Madeline said...

Oh Beth. I am still so sad for you. It is a heavy cross you're carrying into Holy Week. I think of Rebecca often and I have been calling on her intercession for some big things in my life lately. St. Rebecca Irene pray for us! I will be praying for you especially today.

Gigi said...

Oh Beth! I wasn't aware - sending healing thoughts and prayers to you and your family.

Elizabeth said...

Praying for you all. Life on earth is so hard sometimes. I'm so thankful for heaven.

Busy Bee Suz said...

I can't even fathom the heartache you feel. Sending you love and prayers that the weight of your losses will lighten soon. XO

Billie Jo said...

Dearest Beth,
Love and hugs.
A great big hug for you.
May you feel her presence around you, and look forward to being reunited with her someday.

Ernie said...

Beth, so heartbreaking to hear these details. My heart aches for you. Five years ago. Not so long ago. Thank you for sharing her story here. I will pray for healing for all of you. I imagine your dad is enjoying having her with him. Grief is so hard. May you find comfort.

Wendy said...

Love and prayers for you sweet friend and your whole family.

Michelle said...

Oh, Beth, those pockets of grief that jump out at us are so hard to work through. It does get easier, but you’ve got the static cling grief from your dad’s recent passing mixed with the grief from Rebecca. You’re heart is extra vulnerable right now.
I resonate with everything you said! I never realized how sick Therese actually looked until seeing her through pictures and other people’s eyes years later. And the memory that still hurts the most almost 21 years later...we have a big milestone year anniversary coming up too...is the memory of telling my oldest son, who was 5, that his baby sister had gone to Heaven and having his legs just give out and crumble to the floor and cry and cry saying, “I just wanted to see her grow up.” And all I could do was hold him and cry and whisper, “Me, too.”
Praying for you and Dan and Peter and Sarah that God sends you abundant consolations this Holy Week and Easter. Love and hugs sent your way❤️